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The Teddy Bear: Fifty Shades of Gray

This article originally appeared in The Huffington Post on Monday, February 9, 2015

Oh, yes, it’s true. Sad, twisted, and slightly demonic, but true. Just in time for both Valentine’s Day and the much-anticipated release of the Fifty Shades movie, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company has come out with a Fifty Shades of Grey Bear.

Fondle and tie him to your bedpost for only 89.99!

And I quote: “Inspired by the best-selling book, the adult gift is specially designed for fans obsessed with Grey, biting their lips with anticipation over the movie. He features smoldering gray eyes, a suit and satin tie, mask – even mini handcuffs.”

The only bear I want to see with mini-handcuffs is Ted. Ted is my quintessential dirty-minded, foul-mouthed, slightly angry, booty-spanking bad bear. This Christian-Grey-as-teddy-bear shit is just ridiculous. In a smack down between perverted bears, Ted would take Christian in a second.

However, like Anastasia Steele when first meeting Christian Grey, I am curious. I need to know more. My hands shaking with fascinated trepidation, I scroll down the Vermont Teddy Bear website to see what I can discover.

What do I like most about this product? Is it the fact that Grey, as a teddy bear, has no fingers, and therefore cannot perform half the tricks of the long-fingered Grey? Or the fact that the manufacturers want to make clear that this is an “adult gift,” not to be given to an 8-year-old girl for her birthday? Perhaps it is the script font the bear uses to sign his name, weirdly reminiscent of a Puritan’s calligraphy and not at all what I’d deem sexy handwriting?

No, best of all is the notice at the bottom of the screen: “Safety Warning: Contains small parts.”